My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
