Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
They took my balls.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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