When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
