lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
