I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
