ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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