I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
