We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i now understand why vodka
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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