Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
