Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
