The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
