She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
