what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
