life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
