You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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