So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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