I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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