Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
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Are we still banned from the library?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
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Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize