whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize