he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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