seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
