I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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