I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
