I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
