He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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