The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
