I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
