Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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