Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
