It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
