My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
