four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
