My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
