my phone needs a breathalizer
he wants to bone in the snuggie
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This is classic penis vs brain.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
