Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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