3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
there's paper in my vomit.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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