be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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