I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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