I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
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Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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