Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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