Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
