I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
