I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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