Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
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Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
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He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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