duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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