I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
