I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
