he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
