Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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