Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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