Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
