he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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