I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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