Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
