My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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