My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
