Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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